I wish I could teleport
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Such a big mess for such a small penis
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
