Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
