I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
My penis needs a shock collar
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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