i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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