DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
