My nipple is on Facebook.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
cat food counts as protein by the way
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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