No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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