I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
