trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
