I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
