basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
We are all done wearing pants today
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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