Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
