Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
