I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
