So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
