Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize