I think I won the penis lottery.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
