im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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