May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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