The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
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