listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
