Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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