My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
i black out too much to be "responsible"
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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