are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'm just crazy horny about you
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
i think my cat just said my name.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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