dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
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