just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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