i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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