The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
