My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
