I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
