Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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