but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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