my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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