The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
