i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
So many bounce houses so little time
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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