I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Well I just put wine in my tea
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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