3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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