All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
