Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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