It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
