im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
