I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
