New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
either way he was missing a nipple.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
