Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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