I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
