If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
