Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
