dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
