Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
well you can't waste a boner
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
