What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
so much tequila, so little girl.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
