Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
