The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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