Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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