I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I have grass duct taped all over my body
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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