what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
