Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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