MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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