"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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