I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
