I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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