my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize