you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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