Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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