Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize