I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
