my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
