Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
