Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize